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DEALING WITH LOSS AND BATTLING MENTAL HEALTH.

RUTH MBERA’S STORY.

Just thought of sharing a bit of my personal journey…..Dealing with Loss and battling mental health. Not necessarily that I am an expert on this matter, I don’t have all the answers. I have picked the courage to share this as I am a great believer of GIRL POWER and this is to help one another….to raise awareness of mental issues that we tend to ignore. It is high time we normalise these conversations and remove the stigma that is attached to mental health/illness.

Exactly 2 years ago, I lost my brother in a car accident and just like most of us have experienced loss of a loved one, there are no right words to describe that feeling. It’s beyond painful. It’s a never ending nightmare.

As Vicki Harrison wrote ” Grief is like the ocean, it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim”

In my own case it looked like 95% of the time, the waves were overwhelming that’s why I am sharing and encouraging someone that we should never be ashamed to ask or cry out for help.

Most of the times we try to stay strong but the pain becomes too wild.We seem calm and collected yet fighting endless mind battles.

We are often too stressed about the situation that is bothering us(not necessarily death of a loved one),it could be loss of a job, divorce, financial challenges, immigration and many more.

We are so stressed, depressed but well dressed that no one notices something is wrong because we are trying to keep it together.

I remember the news came to me when I was at a checkout in Tesco and I left my shopping right there,I was screaming and was running across the streets all the way to my house like a mad woman. At that point,I wasn’t bothered who was looking at me…..I just wanted the nightmare to end. Little did I know that screaming would carry on for months and what I hated was to be told “calm down”.

I am a woman who loves God with my heart but if I can be real ladies, at this point no scripture was making sense to me. I didn’t like it when people said “It has pleased the Lord’…(the common words most christians say to console others). I was like No!God’s plans towards us are good not this evil…..then came the sleepless nights then the anger….I can go on and on and on but the point is I was totally losing my mind. I don’t remember how I crossed the roads or took care of my children. 

I had to stop going to church because every song or anything that happened in church triggered certain things. Then I was judged for losing my faith. I was told not to cry anymore. I was trying to say am crying because this hurts. I had not lost my faith but I can say my faith was shaken. I went to church because I wanted to worship God with other believers despite what I was going through. Please don’t judge me but it was all in vain.

So often people are judged or misunderstood for being real. When people ask, how are you? They are expecting you to say I am fine even when you are not. The moment you admit am losing it or I am struggling, they raise their eye brows. They cannot handle it.

Sometimes people are not given the right platform to talk about their fears, their struggles and the emotional pain they are dealing with.

It has become much easier to fake a smile than explain why you are sad. With that comes fear of being “labelled” or your problems exposed to the whole community.

Is this “not keeping it real” slowly killing most of us without realising it? Is this pretence getting in the way of the much needed help?

Has society/culture/churches placed certain unhealthy expectations that are stopping individuals from reaching out simply because it may seem as a sign of weakness or lack of faith to ask for help?

When pressure to be perfect is too much to take ,when behind all the happy acts, there is so much sadness, hopelessness and despair…….what do we Do?

Sometimes we turn a deaf ear and a blind eye.

We never allow people to express themselves heartedly without interrupting or giving them our opinion and self acclaimed gospel.

I found myself slowly slipping onto this depression path….it was a double blow as I was going through divorce (Yes I said it….. divorce) at the same time I was grieving. Strangely I could handle the divorce but not this heartache of death of a loved one.

One day I woke up and I refused to be put in this box of ” you are a strong woman, you are an African woman, you are a Christian, you are a praying woman………………thanks for reminding me but heeeeeeelp!  I am losing it. I do not judge anyone who is already paying highly for this mentally yet this is a cry to all women. I wish our society and those people closest to us can adjust and begin to pay attention, see the signs when people need help.

This particular day I walked into my doctors room and this was the beginning of another journey in my grieving process. The African woman in me had always hated counselling sessions. I used to say counselling is for white people……as if state of mind has to do with skin colour.

I hated getting flashbacks from things I didn’t want to remember. I don’t think people understand how stressful it is to explain what’s going on in one’s head when you don’t even understand it yourself.

It is a soul searing place to be and the last thing a person needs when they are in this place is judgement.

People in our society, our churches, our communities need to learn that. Confronting our feelings and giving them appropriate expression always takes strength not weakness. It takes strength to acknowledge our anger, and sometimes more strength to express it in a healthy way. It takes strength to talk about our feelings and to reach out for help and comfort when we need it.

That is not the time one needs to hear about “move on” sessions, that’s not the right time to say “it’s not the end of the world”……..we know the world hasn’t ended yet but at that moment in the midst of that pain, it really feels like the world has ended.

We try to make other people feel better by saying these things, by minimising their pain…..by telling them it will get better(which it will) or there are worse things in this world (which there are) but at that moment, the person who is walking down this long dark corridor needs to hear is “it hurts because it matters to you”

Not saying, are you still mourning? Some go to the extent of refeering to their own loss and how they dealt with it yet we forget ,there is no given period for this. Our scars heal differently.

The world judges people by the decisions they make(be it walking away from an abusive relationship, seeking medical help),never does it see the option these people had to choose from……(suicidal, being in a mental institution etc)

My own journey has been that of endurance. These things are not like a task where you finish and move on but an element of myself learning to adjust, absorb and accept. An alteration of my whole being, a new way of seeing a definition of self.

That was the journey of discovery within a room at a hospital with the bereavement counsellor. This went on for so many months……a place where I was able to to express myself without being judged but also brought healing to my mind.

I went in feeling broken, defeated, rejected, betrayed and so lonely but the day I was discharged ,I was whole, victorious, and full of life.

Now my ocean is much calmer than overwhelming. I have occasional moments when I break down……..yes 2 years down the line I still find myself crying but at least my counsellor prepared me for these triggering moments.

When we find ourselves in such situations, let’s not carry on as if nothing is wrong. Let’s not wait to the point of losing the mind. Seek help!.

The loneliest people can be the kindest. People going through challenges sometimes smile the brightest. If a friend ever shares their concern, listen without interrupting. Speak without accusing and promise without forgetting. Walk through this journey with them and cover them. Don’t expose their flaws.

It is very hard to be a friend to someone who is going though a hard time. I didn’t like being around people. I liked isolating myself. I didn’t want to hear comments like “Oh Ruth, you’ve lost weight” a reminder of my pain.

Try to understand the blackness and hopelessness they are going through.

When they come through the other side and you stuck with them, it is one of the kindest, noblest and best things you will ever do.

Here is to GIRL POWER

I pledge to mind my mind and help my girls to mind theirs too so we can all have positive mental health.

By Ruth Mbera.